Friday, December 2, 2011

Super Mario 3D Land: My Newest Adventure in the Mushroom Kingdom

I much like my dear turd Timo recently purchased a 3DS. Unlike him though I bought the red Super Mario 3D Land bundle and not the Zelda Ocarina of Time Bundle. The following is my short review of the game.

It was pretty good. I mean it is Mario. It doesn't reinvent the wheel because it doesn't need to. It certainly isn't the best Mario game ever made (see Mario Bros. 3) but it isn't the worst either (see Mario 2 Japanese version).

-Tanuki suit is back and despite its lack of real flight capabilities it is still awesome.
-Graphics and Music are great, especially for a handheld. Seeing as this is my first 3DS game I was impressed.
-Good level design with some fun throw backs to classic Mario Games/

-TOO EASY. Veteran Mario players will have no problem besting this game. It took me about 4 or 5 days to beat the game as both Mario and Luigi, get every star coin, and hit the top of the flag pole on every level.

The ease of the game could ruin it for some people but it didn't really bother me. I don't expect extreme difficulty from Mario. It is a game that is probably best suited for a first time Mario player or a younger kid, but I still think most Mario fans would enjoy it. I'd say at least pick it up used in a couple months or so if you don't feel like paying full price for such a short game.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I bit the bullet. I bought a 3DS.

There I was... standing in the Nintendo aisle at Best Buy... It was Black Friday.

It was my duty as an American. I had to buy it. The bargain was too great. Plus, I could purchase a special edition. I have in my hands a special Legend of Zelda 3DS. It's very, very cool.

I feel a little bit guilty, but it was the first sunlight I had tasted since the release of Skyrim and Saints Row: the Third. I was feeling saucy. I haven't posted in quite a while, but let me tell you that I don't regret this purchase a single bit anymore.

I can play Ocarina of Time while a take a poopoo.

God bless America.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Day the Dorks Disappeared

It is here. Skyrim is out. Millions of pale kids across the world are becoming even paler. For those of you with loved ones who enjoy magic, dragons, and role playing games. Stay strong, in about a month your friends and family will start talking about other stuff and we can return to our normal lives.

Thursday, November 10, 2011



Dragons are like super awesome and they breathe fire and fly and can burn houses and eat people and stuff and they aren’t in any other video games ever made ever. This is revolutionary.

This doesn’t count cause that is a robot dragon and everybody knows robots break when you pour water on them cause they suck. Also Mega Man is pink and pink is for little pussys who don’t play SKYRIM

This doesn’t count because he is purple and looks like he wants to touch you in inappropriate places also because its not SKYRIM and SKYRIM IS THE GREATEATS EVAR.


Magic is awesome! Have you ever been like: “aw man, I wish I could set something on fire?” well in SKYRIM you can learn magic and set things on fire and be a wizards! Harry Potter was a wizard, and he got lots of girlfriends and Hippogriffs. So if you play SKYRIM you will also get girlfriends and Hippogriffs. (you could use magic in Oblivion, but it doesn’t count because all anybody ever did was use charm spells to grope people’s boobies and giggle to themselves. Tee hee.)


As we all know here at Use Blogs Wisely, the only important thing about a video game is how good it looks. Nothing else matters about it. If you had to look at your girlfriend or look at SKYRIM, you would choose SKYRIM every single time because it looks better than her. The graphics look better than a clothes- less Sarah Michelle Gellar and Alyson Hannigan making out while they cook bacon for you. At a circus. And circuses are fun.



Monday, November 7, 2011

Things I Learned From Nes (That I Should've Known Were Wrong)

Video Games teach us things. Old video games taught me most of what I know. Most of what I know is illogical.

Super Mario Bros. 3
- Racoons can fly.

- If you run out of money or ammo human hearts will do the job just fine.

Silver Surfer
- Pumpkins can kill super heroes.
- So can everything else.

Mike Tyson's Punchout
- Size doesn't matter. :(

Bible Adventures
- Noah single handedly captured all the animals for the ark and carried them to the ship.

Maniac Mansion
- Aliens drink Pepsi.
- Emptying your pool will cause a nuclear explosion.

Bubble Bobble
- Bubbles can support a persons weight as long as they jump up and down quickly.

Mega Man
- Scissors beats electricity. Yeah try sticking a pair of scissors in an outlet and see if you beat it.

The Legend of Zelda
- Ladders are for crossing rivers.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Why My Girlfriend Never Worries About Other Women

I am bored, and I feel this blog needs an update, and since I don't feel very creative I have decided to share the contents of my current collection of games with you fine readers.

This is not a complete list as quite a few of my cartridge based games are at home do to a lack of storage space in a dorm room.

Atari 2600
Magnavox Odyssey 2
NES(Top Loader)
Gamecube(both Silver and Black)
Sega Genesis (With a power base converter for Master System Games)
Sega Saturn
Xbox 360 Slim

Hand Helds:
Original Gameboy
Game Boy Pocket
Game Boy Color
Virutal Boy
Game Boy Advance SP
Nintendo 3DS
Sega GameGear
Sega Nomad



1943 (in box)
A Boy and His Blog: Trouble in Blobolonia
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Adventure Island (in box)
Adventure Island II
Adventures of Lolo
Bandai Golf Challenge Pebble Beach
Batman Returns
Batman Revenge of the Joker
Battle Toads
Bible Adventures
Big Birds Hide & Speak
Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure (This game is most unexcellent)
Bionic Commando
Bubble Bobble
Captain Skyhawk
Castlevania II: Simon's Quest
Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse
Chip N' Dale Rescue Rangers
Clash at Demonhead
Clu Clu Land
Darkwing Duck
Dick Tracy
Dig Dug II
Disney Adventures in the Magic Kingdom
Double Dragon
Double Dragon II: The Revenge
Double Dragon III: The Rosetta Stone
Dr. Chaos (In box)
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Dragon Warrior
Dragon Warrior II
Duck Tales
Duck Tales 2
Excite Bike
Exodus Journey to the Promised Land
Final Fantasy
Flying Warriors (In box)
Friday the 13th
Ghostbusters II
Ghosts 'N Goblins
Ikari Warriors
Joust (In box)
Kid Icarus
King of Kings the Early Years
Kirby's Adventure
Kung Fu
Life Force
Maniac Mansion
Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu
Mega Man
Mega Man 2
Mega Man 3(WOOOOO!)
Mega Man 4
Mega Man 5
Mega Man 6
Mega Man Ultra
Mermaids of Atlantis The Riddle of The Magic Bubble
Mickey Mousecapade
Mike Tyson's Punch Out
Milon's Secret Castle
Monster Party
Mr. Gimmick (Reproduction)
Muppet Adventure Chaos at the Carnival
Nes Open Tournament Golf
Ninja Gaiden
Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos
Ninja Gaiden III: The Ancient Ship of Doom
Pac-Man (Tengen)
River City Ransom
Silver Surfer
Smash TV (in box)
Solomon's Key
Street Fighter 2010
Super C
Super Mario Bros.
Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt
Super Mario Bros. 2
Super Mario Bros. 3 (in and out of box)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project
Tetris (not the good Tengen Version)
The Legend of Zelda
Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
The Three Stooges
Thrilla's Surfari (in box)
Tiny Toon Adventures
Top Gun
Top Gun The Second Mission
Trolls on Treasure Island
Wally Bear and the No Gang
Where's Waldo
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Wrecking Crew
Yo Noid

The Adventures of Dr. Franken
Batman Forever
Chrono Trigger
Contra III: The Alien Wars
Donkey Kong Country
Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest
Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble
Earthworm Jim
Final Fantasy III(IV, in box)
Gradius III
Kirby's Dream Land 3
Lester the Unlikely
Mario Paint
Mega Man 7
Mega Man X
Mega Man X2
Mega Man X3
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
Mortal Kombat II
Mortal Kombat III
NBA Jam Tournament Edition
Super Castlevania IV
Super Empire Strikes Back (in box)
Super Mario Kart
Super Mario RPG
Super Mario World
Super Punch-Out!!
Super Street Fighter II
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time
Tetris Attack
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Ultimate Mortal Kombat III
Zombies Ate My Neighbors

Buck Bumble
Donkey Kong 64
Kirby 64 The Crystal Shards
Mario Kart 64
Mario Party
Mario Party 2
Mario Party 3
Mega Man 64
Perfect Dark
Pokemon Puzzle League
Pokemon Snap
Pokemon Stadium
Pokemon Stadium 2
Starfox 64
Super Mario 64
Super Smash Bros.
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Backyard Baseball
Enter The Matrix
Mario Kart Double Dash
Mario Party
Mega Man Anniversary Collection
Sonic Adventure 2: Battle
Sonic Adventure DX
Sonic Mega Collection
Super Mario Sunshine
The Legend of Zelda Wind Waker

Animal Crossing City Folk
Donkey Kong Country Returns
Kirby's Epic Yarn
Mario Kart Wii
Metroid Prime 3
New Super Mario Bros. Wii
Nights Journey of Dreams
Pokemon Battle Revolution
Sonic and the Secret Rings
Super Mario Galaxy
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess
Wii Play
Wii Sports
Wii Sports Resort

Sega Genesis:
These games are at home and I cannot remember what I have

Sega Saturn:
Bug Too!
Mortal Kombat Trilogy
Nights Into Dreams
Street Fighter the Movie
X-Men Children of the Atom

Playstation 1:

Atlantis the Lost Empire
Colony Wars Vengeance
Crash Bandicoot
Crash Bandicoot 2 Cortex Strikes Back
Crash Bandicoot 3 Warped
Crash Bash
Crash Team Racing
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Jet Moto 3
Mega Man 8
Mega Man X4
Monster's, Inc. Scream Team
Pac-Man World
Spyro the Dragon
Spyro the Dragon 2 Ripto's Rage
Spyro the Dragon 3 Year of the Dragon
Star Wars Episode 1 Jedi Power Battles
Tai Fu Wrath of the Tiger
Twisted Metal 4
Twisted Metal III

Playstation 2:

Dragon Ball Z Budokai
Dragon Ball Z Budokai 2
Dragon Ball Z Budokai 3
God of War
Grand Theft Auto III
Grand Theft Auto Vice City
Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance
Mortal Kombat Deception
Onimusha 2 Samurai's Destiny
Onimusha 3 Demon Siege
Onimusha Warlords
Twisted Metal: Black


Big Bumpin'
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds
Halo 2
Pocket Bike Racer
Sneak King
Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith
The Matrix Path of Neo

Xbox 360:

Batman Arkham City
Battlefield 2 Modern Combat
Bionic Commando
Dead Rising
Fable II
Fable III
Guitar Hero II
Guitar Hero III
Guitar Hero Metallica
Guitar Hero Van Halen
Guitar Hero World Tour
Halo 3
Halo 3: ODST
Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary
Halo Reach
Kameo Elements of Power
Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2
Marvel Vs. Capcom 3
Mortal Kombat
Perfect Dark Zero
Rock Band
Rock Band 2
Sonic Unleashed
Transformers War for Cybertron

Exodus Journey to the Promised Land
Kirby's Dream Land
Kirby's Dream Land 2
Mega Man II
Mega Man IV
Pokemon Gold
Pokemon Pinball
Pokemon Puzzle Challenge
Pokemon Yellow
Street Fighter II
Super Mario Land
Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins
Super Mario Land 3: Wario Land
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fall of the Foot Clan
The Legend of Zelda Links Awakening DX
The Legend of Zelda Oracle of Ages
The Legend of Zelda Oracle of Seasons

Gameboy Advance:
Donkey Kong Country
The Legend of Zelda the Minish Cap
Pokemon Emerald
Pokemon Leaf Green
Pokemon Ruby
Pokemon Sapphire

Chrono Trigger
Mario Kart DS
New Super Mario Bros.
Pokemon Black
Pokemon Heart Gold
Pokemon Platinum
Super Mario 64 DS

The Legend of Zelda the Ocarina of Time
Mario Kart 7
Sonic Generations
Super Mario 3D Land

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Bragging Rights: My Top 5 NES Achievements

As I have made abundantly clear on this blog before, I like to play NES games.  Like all NES gamers i have eventually tried my hand at some of the hardest games on the system, and here is my list of what i believe were some of the most difficult games, or challenges, that i have managed to conquer. 

5. Bible Adventures: Baby Moses.

Unlike the other games on this list the difficulty in beating this game is not based on genuine fair challenge, but instead is based instead on how dreadful the game is.  It is both mind numbingly dull, with music that is worthy of my last post, and has some of the sloppiest control I have ever encountered in my life. If you play this game you will constantly find yourself sliding off of platforms, and if that doesn't make you give up then you will probably quit when you realize that the only fun thing about the game is the novelty of owning it.  I am really not even proud of this one.  Playing this game is a waste of time.

4. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
The black sheep of the Zelda family, and one of my favorite (I have only played the first 4 games as of yet), is definitely one of the more challenging games on the NES.  Even if you are a seasoned professional of the Zelda series you will most likely be thrown for a loop when you begin this game, because unlike other games in the series this one is a side scroller.  This deviation in play style is the main cause of difficulty, because it catches you off guard.  Killing some enemies requires a great deal more skill than in the original Zelda, as you have to worry about low and high blocking and attacking. Mastery of this style of fighting becomes important very early in the game as you will encounter darknuts that are constantly moving their shields up and down and stabbing at different heights.  If you can adjust to this combat style though, and deal with starting at the beginning room every time you run out of lives, this game is definitely worth playing.  Unlike some of the forthcoming games on this list, Zelda II manages to balance out its extreme difficulty with a degree of fun that makes you want to keep playing, and for the most part keeps you from feeling too frustrated. (Death mountain is probably the exception to this idea, and is one of the main reasons this game is on the list.)

3. Mega Man 3
This game is a little bit different than the other ones on the list, because the achievement this time is not just beating the game, something I can do with ease. This time my accomplishment is beating a large portion of the game with one hand. And you are probably asking yourself "why would someone do that?" The answer is simple, I was bored. I don't know if it is something that I should be proud of, but it did leave me with a sense of satisfaction to destroy those vile robot masters with one hand tied behind my back. If anyone has a favorite game they want to add some extra challenge to I recommend they give this method a whirl.

2. Castlevania
Now we are getting serious.  Anyone who has played this game knows it does not f%#k around.

Right from the onset players will notice that Castlevania not only has some pretty limiting and hard to master jumping controls, but it is also full to the brim with enemies that come at you in seemingly endless packs. This alone would be enough to make most players want to stop, but right around the 3rd or 4th area of the game, the real trouble becomes abundantly clear as you come across your first death pits. The awkward jumping would be enough trouble here, but Konami decided it needed to be even harder, so every time you get hit anywhere near a pit you are almost guaranteed to fly backwards into said pit.

For awhile this is all still very manageable challenge, highly frustrating make you want to rip your hair out manageable, but manageable none the less, and then you make it to level 5 (in particular the last screen before the boss). It is at this point that the amount of enemies in the game seems to really get out of control, and the amount of hits each one of these enemies takes, even with your most powerful weapon, is more than twice as many hits as it takes for them to kill you. This, while extremely infuriating, isn't the worst part. The worst part is that in order to beat death (the boss of this stage, and probably the hardest one in the game), you basically have to finish all of the levels in stage 5 without dying once to make sure you have the triple shot and the holy water. If you can manage that then you should be able to make your way through the last stage, and defeat Dracula, and then you can be cool (read a giant loser) like me.

1. Ninja Gaiden
Here it is. Not only the hardest NES game I have ever finished, but simply the hardest game I have ever beaten in my life. Take everything I said about enemies and being knocked back in Castlevania and multiply it by 10 and you will have a basic understanding of why this game is difficult. Add to that the fact that any enemy that is anywhere near the edge of the screen, and I mean if one stray pixel is even slightly close the edge, then the enemy will instantly respawn after you kill them. Oh yeah and most of the time when an enemy is touching the side of the screen they are right on the edge of a pit, so you can expect to fall into about a million pits if you are going to attempt to beat this game.

Unlike Castlevania, when you play this game you pretty much spend the whole time thinking that it cannot be beaten. There is almost no difficulty curve, the entire game is impossibly hard, and you are at a constant level of frustration the whole time you play, with one exception. The last stage of this game, all the way up to the last boss takes the already seemingly insurmountable difficulty and quadruples it. Each level takes about 20 deaths and that many minutes to beat, and every time you die even once on any of the 3 forms of the boss (which are definitely not easy) your ass gets sent all the way back to stage 6-1. Nothing compares to the frustration you feel when you make it through all the levels after hours of work only to be sent back after fighting the boss for about 30 seconds. The only emotion of equal intensity is the excitement and glee that you feel when you finally manage to overcome this evil sadistic tortuous game.

Special thanks to:
My lack of ability at sports for making this all possible.

Willtacular and Chris Ratsabout for their support during my attempts to beat Ninja Gaiden.

Kyle Davidson for deriving too much enjoyment from Baby Moses and providing incentive to keep playing that piece of crap.

My girlfriend Celia for putting up with my geeky need to spend hours trying to master games that are over 20 years old.

My older siblings for playing NES and inspiring me to do the same.